A G.P.S. Route for My Anxiety

Shouts & Murmurs

- By Jesse Eisenberg

FROM: Home

TO: Local Y.M.C.A.

ESTIMATED TIME: Five hours

Exit your apartment through the service entrance so you don’t have to make small talk with the doorman, who resents you.

Upon exiting, turn left. Going right would obviously be quicker, but you might run into the woman from your building whose name you don’t remember.

Make a quick left at the rack of Citi Bikes. Avoid looking directly at the bikes and being reminded that you don’t have an active life style.

Dangerously cross the street in the middle of the block to avoid the bodega where you embarrassed yourself last week by going in drunk and ordering Ben & Jerry’s from the deli section.