Couch Sex Is The Best Sex

Is that the remote, or are you just happy to see me?

- Sophia Benoit

• WE ALL HAD THAT ONE CONVERSATION in college about the weirdest places we’ve hooked up. One of my friends hooked up on the roof of the journalism building. Another said he used to take ladies to dressing rooms if his roommate was around. Everyone else just said ‘work’ or ‘bar bathroom,’ neither of which is that weird. And then, inevitably, someone – usually the person who hasn’t hooked up anywhere cool – says something like ‘beds are the best place to have sex anyway.’ And everyone agrees. That’s the way the conversation always goes and has gone since beds were invented, probably. But everyone is wrong.

Beds are great. I got one as my college graduation gift, and it remains the best present I’ve ever received; I don’t want to hate on beds. But beds are for sleeping, and if you’re anything like me, the moment you get into bed, you’ve become irretrievably tired. You have, if you’re lucky, 47 seconds after someone gets under the covers to persuade them to actually peel that duvet back and suddenly transform into an impassioned sex goddess. It’s just not reasonable. Especially not after a modern nighttime routine of removing makeup, brushing teeth, changing into my PJs, and watching two Facebook videos about latent viruses lurking in the melting ice caps. I’m exhausted. So start earlier. Start on the couch.