The Art Of Saying No

Yes, I’ll Come An Hour Earlier. Yes, I’ll Buy The Gifts. Yes, I’ll Loan You The Cash. Yes, I’ll Shop With You After Work. Blanche Radom Seeks Help For Her ‘yes’ Habit – And Explains How You Can Learn To Say ‘no’ Too.

- Blanche Radom And Tina Zimmerman

I could fill an entire book with the stress and anxiety this three letter word has caused me. And the worst part? Constantly saying yes makes me unhappy in the long run. So I can’t go on like this. I’m hoping the solution lies in having a consultation with a psychotherapist, so I visit Dr Benjamin Siemann. Perhaps he can explain to me why I just can’t seem to say‘no’, even though I know it would be better for me. Our session begins like this:

What brings you here?

I’m here because I say yes in a lot of situations, even though I know it would be better for me to sometimes say no. In many cases, I get angry afterwards when I end up postponing a catch-up with someone because I never wanted to go in the first place or if I find myself struggling with shopping bags after work when someone else could have done it. I’d like to change this. Particularly because I’ve noticed many people don’t have this problem.

In my experience, we do things in a certain way because it works for us. So I’m wondering what your reasons for saying yes could be.

I instantly feel guilty. When I think about saying no, I immediately think I may be making life more difficult for someone else. I only think of myself afterwards. But I do sometimes also wonder whether my friends or family really would be miffed at me for not being able to make it to a meet-up or do them a favour.

But you don’t actually know what would happen if you said no. After all, you never do it.

(I nod.)

So what exactly are you aiming for? It initially sounds like being cooperative is an important value for you. Because being able to help others surely also has a positive effect on you yourself. What happens in that moment when you say yes?