CARLOS GOFFMÁN, (EL GUAPO) FACT CHECKER

During a period of incarceration scheduled to last fifty years to life, Carlos (El Guapo) Goffmán, the former drug lord, has started a new career as a fact checker and researcher to earn cigarette money in prison. Authorities have looked the other way at Goffmán’s nonobservance of the rule against inmate cell-phone use, but have recorded his end of the calls.

- IAN FRAZIER

CALL NO. 1, MARCH 21ST: “Hello, Professor Smith-Loring, this is Carlos Goffmán. Thank you for finding the time to speak with me. I am checking the facts in an article entitled ‘If This Old Summer House Could Talk.’ The author of this piece states that the speed of light is sixty-five miles per hour, and fifty-five miles per hour at night or in inclement weather. As a physicist and an astronomer, can you verify that this statement is correct? . . . I see . . . Much faster than that, you say. . . . Mm-hmm . . . Are you aware that I’m the Carlos Goffmán whose nickname is El Guapo? . . . Yes, the same one. . . . Uh-huh . . . So sixty-five, daytime, and fifty-five at night would be ‘more or less within the ballpark,’ you say? . . . Good. I will make a note of that. We are very grateful for your help! Goodbye.”