SUBTLE SIGNS YOU'RE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

When abuse is not overt, it becomes difficult to identify. Counselling psychologist practising at Netcare Akeso Gqeberha, Marcel Hitge, affirms that trusting your gut is key. His tips and advice will shed some light, and help you make an informed decision

- THOBEKA PHANYEKO

doubt themselves and question their reality, as well as their memory. People who are being gaslighted may also start questioning their own sanity. In a toxic relationship, this may take the form of an abusive partner accusing the abused partner of suffering from a mental illness or being 'crazy'. They will also sow doubt over the opinion of the abused partner. The purpose of gaslighting is to create a state in which the abused partner's self-confidence is broken down to the point where they're easily manipulated and controlled. The best way to stand up for yourself is to enforce boundaries that protect you and discuss this with your partner to find a healthy way to continue within the relationship.

G: Once I am certain that I am being manipulated, what sort of boundaries can I put in place?

M: Healthy boundaries include:

• Communicating calmly and not allowing them to dominate you. If this is not possible, leave the situation, do not react.

• Identify and discuss the problematic behaviour with your partner.

• Stop making excuses for your partner and defending their actions.

• Voice your opinion and communicate openly about your feelings.

• Don't try and 'fix' them - you can't.

• Don't allow yourself to be isolated.

• Look to empower yourself and build your self-worth.

• Don't believe your toxic partner easily. Question their statements in order to make sure you are receiving and responding effectively.

• Your own physical and mental health needs come first. Don't compromise on that and continue to please the abuser.

• If needed, leave the relationship.

G: If I work on my mental health, will it be possible to shift the power dynamic?