Nick Offerman's GUIDE TO NATURE'S BOUNTY

The Parks and Recreation star offers handy tips for bartering with Mother Nature

- Nick Offerman

LET'S TALK ABOUT GIFTS, and I don't mean Christmas. Santa Claus, Schmanta Claus. Tooth Fairy? Easter Bunny? I scoff. Brrroiyt! That's the sound of me lightly trumpeting an insouciant nether-toot in their general direction, because they are rank amateurs. You want the gifts that keep on giving, year-round? Straight up largesse? Talk to Mother Nature. Hers is the bag that holds the bounty to be harvested from the circle of life itself, every day of the year!

When you can unplug from the modern, consumerist distraction channels to be found pretty much anywhere "on the grid" 24/7 and immerse yourself in the quietude of a hike, spelunk, dive or paddle, the riches that become available to you are quite tasty, indeed.

Let's take the Great Lakes for starters. You can hike through unlimited acres of near-virgin conifer forest, lousy with squirrels, raccoons, you name it. Skunks. Cute as hell. You emerge along the shores of Lake Superior, where you're able to employ your large, strong hands in the harvesting of willow fronds, enough for a goodsized creel, or fish basket. Please note that these fronds cost zero dollars. When gathering your willow, select at least three contrasting "autumn" colors so your basket wouldn't feel out of place on the cover of Sunset magazine. Take your time and weave the hell out of that creel, adding the final flourish of a hand-tooled leather strap to serve as a hasp. Next, take that creel to the nearest big town and find a local butcher or meat counter at a grocery and cannily barter your weaving project for literal pounds of smoked bacon. Boom. Mother Nature just paid you. With the gift of pork.