Is Monogamy Overrated? Open Couples Tell All

They’re Married, But Each Sleeps With Others. Do Polyamorous People Understand Love And Sex Better Than You Do? Could Be.

- Kristin Canning

Kevin and Antoinette, a married couple, are out to dinner with their two little girls. Between inside jokes and bites of chicken fingers and pasta pomodoro, they talk about their day, about school, about movies. Like any typical family. But two other adults are with them at the table, a man and a woman. After settling the bill, Antoinette leaves with the man – her boyfriend, Gary. Kevin says goodbye to them and to the woman, his girlfriend, Maggie. (Their names have been changed.) Kevin will take the kids tonight while Antoinette sleeps at Gary’s. Tomorrow, Antoinette will be with the kids while Kevin stays with Maggie. People sometimes think they’re divorced with new partners, trying to make co-parenting work. Nope: “I do have a new partner,” Antoinette quips, “but I kept the old one too.”

Antoinette and Kevin recently celebrated 10 years of marriage. Their open relationship started when they stumbled into a threesome 15 years ago. Antoinette, a physical therapist, says she’s “the hinge of a V”; she has a relationship with her husband as well as with Gary, a long-term boyfriend. Kevin, a writer, calls himself a “relationship anarchist” with too many partners to count.

If that’s hard to wrap your head around, you’re not alone. For most of us, the traditions and limits of monogamy are deeply ingrained. There’s courtship, marriage, and children. Then you grow old together, faithfully. That’s relationship success, right? For those who aren’t monogamous, there’s no such road map. And that, they’ll tell you, is a good thing. With fewer rules, there’s more negotiation, more talking.