<div style="page-break-before:always; page-break-after:always">Day 30. A Lazy Easter Sunday afternoonHappy Easter to all my friends celebrating this chocolaty holiday. I hope you&rsquo;ve all had a great day. Blessings. But back to me now. (It&rsquo;s funny, I just received a review of this diary from a new reader in Spain, and she said, &ldquo; ...you have the perfect blend of narcissism and paranoia.&rdquo;) So, running with the narcissism for just a sec, it&rsquo;s my birthday in three weeks. Cinco de Mayo/May 5th. Just mentioning it now in case you&rsquo;d like to send something. You know, with deliveries all running slower than usual, you might want to hop on that first thing tomorrow. Just a thought. A Peloton Bike would be so amazing. Thank you. Gosh. Amazing!!! But it&rsquo;s up to you. It&rsquo;s the thought that counts. Really. I mean, honestly, gifts at my age, I love &rsquo;em!!! A funny card with a serious check, also a lovely thought. I&rsquo;ll leave it with you. Talk amongst yourselves. Maybe a surprise party? Today&rsquo;s been a slow day. A-Zoom here, a WhatsApp there. A lovely scroll on Instagram. A drop in at Houseparty (don&rsquo;t know what the hell that app&rsquo;s about). Some texting. One voice-call. FaceTime with Zoe. A Facebook entry. Meme catch-ups in group chats. The Washington Post and The New York Times online. The New Yorker online. YouTube. I loved SNL last night. They did a great job. This pandemic has truly pulled into focus our dependency on digital living. But also how brilliantly it all works. Fresh Direct just delivered. Do we even need to return to &ldquo;normal&rdquo; life? Oh, I excitedly signed up for my first online yoga/breathing session today called Seven Senses, and I paid $7, so I naturally assumed it was at 7 pm. It was at 11 am I missed it. Ok friends, let&rsquo;s call it a Sunday. I know, we never talk about you. We will. We have time. I promise. Blessings on all of your heads. One love.Day 38. Got to get you into my lifeHappy 420-day everyone. I&rsquo;ve just come from a 420 Zoom party. It felt like I was in a coffee shop in Amsterdam. It started at 4.20 pm naturally. And most of the attendees lit up. I don&rsquo;t have weed in the pod, but even if I did I wouldn&rsquo;t smoke because I&rsquo;m reserving lung power in case of &ldquo;you know who&rdquo;. But in the spirit of the day, I did take a nibble of an edible, so let&rsquo;s see where that takes me. (To all my shrink friends, you know who you are, please be on standby.) I&rsquo;m also drinking a Blue Moon Belgium style beer. Drinking in the afternoon is certainly something I should look into. I&rsquo;ve had a big day today. I actually went into a grocery store and shopped. At great speeds. I&rsquo;m a corona shopper who thinks the faster he&rsquo;s in &lsquo;n out the store, the safer he&rsquo;ll be. So I Nascar the fuck down the aisles, riding that cart like a teenage skater. What I must look like? 53. Blue rubber gloves. Ndebele-print mask. Fogged up glasses. Pants that never seem to hold up because I have no ass. A long, scruffy grey beard and unruly hair. Throwing things into the cart like I&rsquo;m on too many Adderall. Some bastard approached me in the vegetable aisle, he kept coming closer, obviously unable to see my silent scream because the mask covers my mouth. So he gets way too close to me and asks &ldquo;Do you happen to know if this is a white cabbage?&rdquo; I MEAN FUCK!!! 11 fucking words, standing that close to me? Seriously? You couldn&rsquo;t stand 6ft away, raise the fucking cabbage into the air and ask questioningly, &ldquo;White cabbage??&rdquo; Jesus. Christ. And anyway, does anyone give a fuck what color cabbage you&rsquo;re cooking in your stinking Pandemic Pod tonight? &ldquo;TAKE THE FUCKING CABBAGE AND STEP AWAY FROM THE JEW!!&rdquo; I yelled kindly. Wouldn&rsquo;t that just be great? 38 days of hiding from Corona, and it catches me over a cabbage. It&rsquo;s so dangerous to go out there man. People don&rsquo;t respect the 6ft rule. People are so, so dumb. Just take a look at the &ldquo;President&rdquo; of my country. Who, by the way, is encouraging people to gather and riot in the streets to protest the stay-at-home orders in their states. I don&rsquo;t know man. I just don&rsquo;t know. Humans. Can&rsquo;t live with them can&rsquo;t live without them. God bless. Stay safe. Not sober.l Our guest columnist Ronald Wohlman was born in Springs and raised in Benoni and Boksburg [&ldquo;God!&rdquo;], then bounced around the globe looking for a place to call home. That place turned out to be New York City, where he&rsquo;s been for 24 years. He was a copywriter for various agencies for as many years. More about him in our next issue.

Never Take A Hypochondriac To A Pandemic

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Noseweek

Lennie The Liquidator Faces R500,000 Defamation Suit

Panel Beater De Luxe

Meet Covid Diarist Ronald Wohlman

A Picture Of Peace?

Flogging A (Battery-Driven) Dead Horse

Everybody Drinks Corona

The money train 

‘He's no pharmaceutical genius, he's a vulture'

Bush school – A memoir 

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